Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
