I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Randomize