"it" just moved
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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