i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
