how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Randomize
