And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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