did you get engaged???
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
