i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
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