Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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