Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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