Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize