Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
