I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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