people are starting to question the shark bite story
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
