I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
