alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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