I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
