Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I can text with my tongue
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
