I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize