Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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