you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
