Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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