i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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