I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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