grandma shit on top of the toilet
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Randomize
