I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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