I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
