So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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