Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
