One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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