You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
