I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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