I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
