finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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