Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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