its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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