I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Boobs speak an international language.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
