I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize