The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
