today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
