you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
