i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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