I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
50% drunk capacity currently
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
