is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
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