New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
