whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
