She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
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