Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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