You're earring is so big in my mouth
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
