What did we do last night that was yellow?
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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