You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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