just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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