he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
