My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I need water and some morals
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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