my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
he had hair everywhere except his balls
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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