i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Randomize
