Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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