The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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