I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
This baby is an asshole
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
