Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I have tasted many bathrooms
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
